Local Sport

Police ready for Aldershot chavsThe police are out in force today prepairinng for the invasion of Aldershot supporters. Their job has been made somewhat easier as you can easily recognise them by the ammount of Burbery they wear.

Kev's confuse Maccy D staffReports are coming in that staff at the Exmouth McDonalds had no idea what to do when nearly 20 boy-racers stormed the place around 10pm last night.

Losing to Exeter can cost you your jobAfter a 3-1 home defeat against Exeter City, Conference side Cambridge United sacked both their Manager and Assistant Manager. Such was the disgust of the Chairman, it is believed he has also fired the tea lady, kit-man and punched a ball boy.

Stagecoach locates ExeterHapless bus company Stagecoach have hit new heights in wasting money by producing the Exeter City FC Travel Guide. The guide, described as "a pointless piece of shit" by many ECFC fans, provides information on how to get to Exeter from surrounding areas.

Tamworth jinx continuesExeter City once again fell to defeat against shit Conference side Tamworth Town. Despite dominating the game and creating the better of the chances, Tamworth like in previous seasons ran away with the points.

Calamity Comes to DevonCalamity has arrived in Devon in the form of ex England goalie David ‘Calamity’ James. The 36 year old has brought a ex-council house in the town of Chudleigh. James, who recently joined Portsmouth FC, celebrated his new purchase by keeping a clean sheet against an ‘Abysmal’ Blackburn Rovers side.

Simiyu creams the cocklesExeter United were restricted to a meagre 24-10 win over Exmouth "Cockles" last night. The Exeter team made up of Chiefs senior players and emerging reserves showed enthusiasm although often lacked cohesion.

Clyst St. Mary slump to defeat as wicket-keeper "Hoppy" diesA fine match between Clyst St. Mary and Newton St. Cyres was overshadowed by the death of Clyst St. Mary wicket-keeper Leonard "Hoppy" Hooper (59). He had been complaining of "flatular problems" during his below par innings, contributing a score of only 4 to Clyst St. Mary's total of 88-9.