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Clifton Hill ski slope to offer new course
The course will open with some conditioning exercises designed especially by Binz, such as visiting a local supermarket and paying them £25 per hour to spend time in their walk-in freezer. Burning a couple of £20 notes on the way out or paying three times the asking price for a cup of coffee should also help to familiarise yourself with the skiing environment.
Binz continues that it is a good idea to adapt your equipment too, gloves should be soaked and placed in the freezer during use, and goggles should be smeared with glue to embody their clarity in icy conditions. Ski boots aren't required for the training course, the level of comfort can be mimicked by simply buying a standard pair of Doc Martens one size too small, secreting a few strategically placed ice cubes in them, wearing the biggest pair of socks possible and tightening a C-clamp around your toes. Clipping a plastic lift pass to your zipper and then riding a motorbike at high speed so it frequently lacerates your face should also help to replicate the overall skiing experience. If you don't have a motorbike, simply fill a blender with ice and hold in front of your face on full blast.
As far as the actual skiing is concerned, simply strap two highly polished planks to your feet and slide down the slope regularly impersonating a newly born giraffe break dancing on an oil slick.
When the introductory course has been successfully completed and you're ready for the real thing, Binz offers the following safety tips:
If you must follow in someone else's tracks, make sure they aren't a squirrel's;
Don't remove protecting padding from lift towers to slide down a slope on;
Do NOT attempt to follow British secret agents as they have a habit of jumping off steep cliffs;
And most importantly never ski with Gazza - he's only looking for the St. Bernard dog!
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