Local Sport

National sport & leisure study: Part two

As the results have arrived from the National Sport & Leisure Study reported last week, teams of eager statisticians have leapt into action ready to crunch the numbers into handy, pointless chunks of data.

Government statisticians are hugely important to their respective political parties - as before statistics, politicians had to rely solely on lies.

The statisticians themselves, generally, are just people that like to work with numbers but had too many morals to become accountants. Statisticians view themselves as superior to accountants, as they see accountants as just mathematicians who can be broken down by age and sex.

The following nuggets of information (which may very well find themselves randomly thrown into pub conversations over the next year) are listed below:

• 55% of men said they would rather talk about sport than sex. Of those, 97% said if pushed they would consider discussing the bedroom activities of the Brazilian Beach Volleyball team.
• When asked if they would sleep with Sven Goran Eriksson, 38% of F.A. secretaries said "Not again".
• 14% of Premiership Footballers can't speak English. 5% of those are Geordies.
• 90% of children from abused backgrounds where they have been beaten by both parents, requested to live with Watford FC. Most common reason being because Watford never beat anyone.
• 94% of football players said their favourite sport supplement was Lucozade sport;
• 96% of darts players said their favourite sport supplement was Lager.
• 42% of jockeys said their ambition was to win the Grand National.
• A further 40% said it was to start puberty.
• 78% of football fans said their most important player next season could be their Lawyer.
• 432,000 people joined a gym in January this year. 429,000 cancelled their gym subscriptions in February.
• The hottest Stadium in the UK is Torquay United's Plainmoor, due to the lack of fans.
• 76% of American Football players put photos on their lockers because they can't spell their names
• 55% of Manchester United fans can't find Manchester on a map.
• 66% of Manchester City fans want their team's shirt colour changed to Burberry.
• 77% of Liverpool fans said the Charity Shield trophy should be replaced with a stolen hubcap.