Local Sport

Govt. launch national sport & leisure study

A National Survey has been commissioned by the Home Office to investigate the Sport and Leisure habits of the nation, with the results set to be published over the coming weeks as the findings and conclusions are processed.

The study has been carried out by various University departments across the country in order to justify subsidies, as over the last few years the Govt. have taken on the extraordinary task of trying to find a use for Sociology students. Sociology is widely recognised amongst academics as absolute bollocks, with every sociological theory that has ever been produced – from multiculturalism to pluralism - as being visibly flawed. The bottom line is that humans are spontaneous and unpredictable, despite the intentions of the forces in power.

The opening discovery that has been released is with regard to the relationship between sport and social class. For example, whilst football always used to be the favoured spectator sport of the working classes, you now have to be earning a wage befitting an Arab Oil Baron just to afford a ticket to a Premier League reserve match.

Earlier this season, West Ham chairman Eggert Magnússon said he would not be reducing the season ticket price if West Ham got relegated as he believes the average salary of a West Ham fan to be £60k a year. When asked whether he would be supplying bread to the East End slums, he is then reported to have replied 'let them eat cake'.

Despite he spiralling cost of tickets, the initial findings from the survey threw up the following results:

1. The sport of choice for Unemployed/Incarcerated/Warehouse Employees is: Football.
2. The sport of choice for White-collar Employees is: Rugby.
3. The sport of choice for Supervisors is: Skittles.
4. The sport of choice for Middle Management is: Tennis.
5. The sport of choice for Company Directors is: Cricket.
6. The sport of choice for Managing Directors is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.