Local Sport

The long awaited diary of the Great West Run

March 27th:
Application pack for Great West Run received from Hospicecare. Don't remember the reason for requesting one, but decide to give it a go.

March 31st:
First training run (possibly ever). Manage seven miles before legs pack up. Have to walk home. Time taken for 12 miles = 4.5 hours.

April 1st:
Legs feel like lead, have to do a Ministry of Silly Walks style mooch to get down stairs. Spend majority of day sitting down, although must say a weekly run becomes a good excuse to consume large quantities of lager in order to 'replace lost fluids'.

April 7th:
Go for a run whilst girlfriend/coach cycles along side me shouting such motivational remarks as "Hurry up or I'll park this bike in your arse!". Time taken for 12 miles = 2.5 hours.

April 20th:
Thisisntexeter Marketing Dept. issue me official t-shirt to run in. T-shirt is black with small white logo. Advise Marketing Dept that run is in MAY and that black is perhaps not the best colour to wear when running long distances in hot weather.

April 25th:
Phone up organisers to query their MP3 player ban, organisers say this rule is in force to ensure runners will listen to instructions from marshals. Put in order for MP3 player sunglasses to avoid detection and circumnavigate this stupid rule.

May 4th:
Marketing Dept arrange new t-shirt. White, with thisisntexeter logo on the front and "Sports Goon - How's my running – call or text 07855 775338" on the back - all written in marker pen. Aroma from marker pen ink is frankly astonishing, hope for strong winds on the day of the run.

May 6th:
7.00 - Alarm goes off, temporarily wake up, hit snooze.

7.10 - Snooze.

7.20 - Snooze.

7.30 - Snooze.

7.40 - Repetitive battering of snooze button causes alarm to expire. Get up.

7.50 - Sellotape number to t-shirt, smell from marker pen ink on t-shirt is still nothing short of staggering.

8.00 - Make "Sportsman's Smoothie" as per recipe in Men's Health. First time I have made a smoothie without Tequila. Not impressed.

8.20 - Make cocktail of Red Bull, Lucozade Sport and Pepsi. Wonder if the combination of marker pen fumes and excessive caffeine levels will contravene drug testing regulations.

8.45 - My mate Liam comes to give me a lift.

9.00 - Mill around Arena, Liam says he is aiming for 10 minute miles, his physique tells me something different. Try to suppress hysterical laughter when he tells me his expected finishing time, as this may affect my cardiovascular capacity, and ability to breathe.

9.15 - Notice that most of the runners have MP3 players of one sort or another - seems the ban is not being stringently imposed. Also notice heavy cloud conditions, start to wonder whether MP3 sunglasses were such a cunning idea.

9.20 - Girlfriend gives me a kick up the ass 'for good luck'. Seriously starting to think that many of her Polish traditions are made up...

9.30 - Take up position on running track, seem to be the only person wearing sunglasses.

9.35 - Cross the starting line.

9.45 - Maintain the same pace as Liam and notice that first mile has been done in 10 minutes. More than pleasantly surprised.

9.49 - Liam has disappeared.

9.59 - Mile two completed, which took nearly 14 minutes. Surprise evaporated and replaced with bleak realism.

10.05 - Mile three completed – in approximately 6 minutes. Must have been mostly downhill with a strong wind behind me.

10.10 - Only on mile four and already I can see people running on the other side of the road in the opposite direction. Wonder if a) they're lost; b) I'm in danger of being lapped before I get even half way round.

10.15 - Reach the Railwayman Pub where I grab a wet sponge, slap it on my head, then drop kick it expertly into the hedge. Look up to notice the water has run all over my face and lenses, reducing my visibility to the end of my nose.

10.16 - Consider asking a marshall for white stick/guide dog as moisture and weather conditions have ensured my MP3 sunglasses idea has backfired to the point of almost total sightlessness. 'Crawling' by Linkin Park comes on, a title which seems like a pretty good idea right now.

10.20 - Struggle up Pinhoe Road and down past the Bowling Green where a band is playing. There's a fat black bloke sitting down playing the guitar who resembles Buster Bloodvessel – wonder if Bad Manners have reformed...?

10.23 - Lapped. Bollocks.

10.28 - Run down Sidwell Street and see the Editor and Agony Aunt. Hold my head high and sprint gazelle-like past, hoping to impress. Look back to see they haven't spotted me. Swiftly finish gazelle-like sprint.

10.40 - Run down through Southernhay, past the irritating tw*ts that are Street Heat – a drum banging 'samba band' consisting of a mixture of teenage boys who think they're something special, and menopausal women who need to hit something regularly.

10.45 - Miles seem to be ticking by nicely and caffeine cocktail is doing the job as I run through the city centre and back towards Pinhoe Road, which is a great deal more fun going down than up!

10.51 - 'It's Easier To Run' by Linkin Park comes on the MP3 player, followed by 'Shoot the Runner' by Kasabian. Wonder which part of my masochistic subconscious chose this playlist.

10.59 - Hit the turning point and start second lap. Suddenly realise cocktail is now empty and legs seem to have a mind of their own – albeit a mind with a particularly low IQ and severe case of Tourettes Syndrome.

11.05 - Legs are now running slowly on cognitive memory, then again usually after this distance they are stood at a bar somewhere.

11.07 - Overtaken by a midget and notice Batman & Robin running next to a man in a wedding dress - marker pen fumes seem to be taking affect.

11.10 - Run past Sidwell Street for the second time, in considerable pain after conquering Pinhoe Road again. This time editor and agony aunt do notice me as I manage to remark "I'm Fucked!" to them. Laughter from balcony fails to spur me on.

11.12 - Struggling like hell. Consider stopping and walking for a while. Notice parents in the crowd with a camera. Decide on another gazelle-like sprint.

11.12 + 30 seconds - Ensure I am out of camera shot as sprint gives way to slow motion totter. Running style now resembles that of a geriatric, with heels flicking out at 90 degree angles at the height of each stride.

11.17 - A bloke in Paris Street with a microphone is asking runners what's their name and were are they from, Cilla Black style, as they toddle past. The marker pen fumes and dehydration combine in my brain as I consider answering "I'm Merlin from Camelot". Guess my fatigued and fucked-up demeanour obviously causes him some apprehension as he backs away from me with the microphone behind his back.

11.28 - The noise that no-one wants to hear (Street Sh*te) have moved to the High Street, ensuring that much of the crowd have now left the area.

11.33 - Barbers Adagio For Strings comes on the MP3 player. Falling to my knees and throwing my hands in the air Platoon style suddenly seems very appropriate.

11.35 - Battle in my digestive system between nausea, vomiting and bladder loss. Lack of fluid wins the day, ensuring that a Paula Radcliffe style toilet break would be literally impossible.

11.40 - Girlfriend sees me and starts to run along side me. Attempt brief conversation but my tongue now has the texture and consistency of a cow's tongue. After blurting out a few sweet nothings using words made almost entirely of vowels, give her a quick kiss.

11.46 - Reach twelve mile marker and start to speed up, an action which would be all the more remarkable if I wasn't currently travelling at the speed of a slightly stoned sloth, with a limp.

11.48 - Head seems full of inexplicable rage (perhaps a come-down from the marker pen fumes).

11.53 - Struggle up the hill to the Arena, just a quick (?) lap away from the finish line.

11.57 - Cross finish line and quickly become horizontal. Friendly St. Johns Ambulance man comes over and asks if I'm "OK" whilst I lie flat on the floor and wheeze loudly. After a short dialogue he informs me I should consider drinking water before any large medical doses of lager. Request for a Brompton Cocktail also falls on deaf ears.

12.15 - Pub.

In Conclusion:
After a wide range of varying emotions, I finally crossed the line in 2 hours 22 minutes and raised a total of £33.26 for Hospicecare. Liam finished in a time of 2 hours 40 minutes, I can only assume when he said he wanted to do 10 minute miles he was referring to the first one and a half of them only. He also had to take time off work for a pulled muscle in his foot – a condition which strangely didn't affect his ability to make it to the pub after the race (the name and identity of Liam has been changed in case his boss reads this).

Congratulations to everyone who took part and here's to training for the Great West Pub Crawl next year!

More information