Local News

Local accountant in mystery death

Police are investigating what appears to be an unsuccessful suicide attempt by a local accountant/stockbroker.

The number-cruncher, who's family asked not to be named as they don't want to be associated with him, wrote a suicide note advising that in a moment of self-realisation, he could no longer go on.

The letter advises that he became very aware that his entire existence had been supported by leaching off the hard-earned money of his clients, and that he did little more than manipulate their cash in order to fund himself.

He described himself and his industry as 'a parasite', consisting mainly of egotistical, vacuous types whose position on this planet is chiefly to ensure that people with the most money pay the least taxes.

He described the stock market as 'corrupt', with fluxuations and crashes ensuring that the only people making money are insider traders, tax dodgers or commission freeloaders.

The man in his 50s, apparently put a shotgun to his head, but died of shame before he could pull the trigger. Forensics analysing the scene believe a similar reaction may have caused the Wall Street Crash, although Americans and shame are not generally associated.