World News

Hurricane 'Our Tracey' appeal

As many of you know, Hurricane 'Our Tracey' hit Luton, Bedfordshire and Derbyshire recently. Victims were noticed wandering around aimlessly with only Diamond White for comfort. The hurricane decimated the area, causing over £35 of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken before their Giros arrived.

Local radio stations reported many residents were bewildered & confused that something interesting had happened in Fleetwood. One resident, Tracey Scutt, a 15 year old mother of 5 said - "Jesus! It was a well big shock - me little Chardonnay Britney come into the bedroom crying, but me youngest 2, Tyson Holyfield & Smirnoff Aguilera both slept through it, do ya know waddamean. I was still shakin' this morning and couldn't concentrate on me Trisha this morning, ya know waddamean dontcha?" Apparently though, lootings, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has managed to ship in 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including Benefit Books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and Bone China from Poundland.

How can you help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unlucky enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Louis Vuitton/Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuits (his or hers); Shell suits (female); white sports socks; Rockport boots.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Essential foodstuffs include: microwave meals; tins of baked beans; ice cream (all flavours); cans of Colt 45 or Carlsberg Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms, chips, crisps, and Blue fizzy drink for a typical family of 9.
£5 will pay for a packet of Mayfairs and a lighter to calm the nerves of the most affected.

BREAKING NEWS
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Raspberry alcopop. When asked "where are you bleeding from" she replied "Bleedin' Chatty Avenue what's that got to do wiv it".