Agony Aunt

A fart in a car

Dear Lilu

I'm not one for writing into agony columns, but feel that I now need a new and impartial take on things.

I have a 'hobby' that is fast becoming an obsession. This is taking over my life while having a profound effect upon a multitude of unsuspecting strangers. I am told that I have scarred some for life.

I absolutely love dropping sneaky ones in public places in order to observe the reaction of all from a safe distance - oh such fun to see people’s attempts to locate the source (sniff sniff) while apportioning blame on the perfectly innocent!

Following years of practise, I now have this activity down to a fine art, always observing the 2 second rule - drop one, hang around for 2 seconds and then scarper (time delay is obviously inversely proportional to potency on the day of course - won't go into the maths for now).

Confined spaces are a favourite as are pubs and clubs, even more so since the smoking ban came in (thanks Tony and Gordon!).

I am now in the process of perfecting a dietary plan to maximise the fall out. I seem to be eating curries, onion soup, kebabs and sprouts all the time. Am spending a fortune on air freshener and bog brushes!

My friends think that I am a legend although I am beginning have second thoughts about my calling (especially since a recent mishap - too much curry the night before I think).

What is your take on all of this? Am I alone?

Adam Sphincterumble (AKA Fallout)

Great tits by the way.

Dear Fallout,

I love the fact that you call dropping sneaky farts in pubic places a "hobby", but anyway.

Everyone I know likes to drop the odd sneaky one now and again, it adds humour to our some what boring existence, after all, there's nothing funnier than releasing a massive farting, walking off and watching peoples faces as they realise they have just walked into particle-cloud of your faeces.

I don't think you have a major problem, but your diet has a lot to do with it. All those curries aren't going to help either. Flatulence is of course natural so you have plenty of gas already in your system, but by eating curries and onion soup you are of course adding more and horrific smells to your repartee, as well as the noises that are associated with it.

As I said, I know its funny to fart in public, but surely there has to be a line. Not only are you causing more problems to the ozone layer you are also causing your insides to rot!!!

I know you love the fact that your mates think your a legend for this, but maybe they're being polite, maybe they don't actually want to tell you that they are embarrassed by what you do all the time.

You can of course change your diet (see this website), or the other alternative is to shove a bloody great cork up your ass!!!

Happy popping.

PS. Thanks for the comment on my tits, they are great. Unfortunately for the next year they are being used for other purposes rather than being ogled at.

- Lilu